fenris de la peña (fenrisdelapena) wrote in androgynes,
fenris de la peña

Introduction and conundrums

Love this place. Thank you guys for existing!

So, basically I'm female-bodied, but my entire identity runs very strongly toward a more male me. I want to be adrogynous, but with a male name, male pronouns, male chest, etc. Does that make sense? Luckily I'm very small chested, but binding is still a pain in the ass. I want to go on T to masculinize mself and get top surgery.

Right now I'm trying my damnedest and I'm still reading as female to everyone. Seriously. I'm very thin, petite, girlish face, so on and so forth. I do tend to confuse children and a few times people have called me 'that boy' or 'sir', only to look closer and backtrack furiously.

Heres my problem. I'm going to do this, no two ways around it.

However, I am six months away from graduating nursing school. Practicing nursing means needing a license. The license has my female name and sex. I'll have to update this license as I pursue higher degrees in my field. I am genuinely worried that there will be a massive issue when LVN Samantha gets switched to RN Salem, see what i mean? I'm worried about potential employers and losing job opportunities. I realize being androgyne will stir up shit to begin with, but I dont want to be accused of, say, practicing without a license when i transition and the board says 'wtf guys, Salem (last name) never worked as an lvn' when Samantha did. Really, I'd like to have my male identity (even if the physical transition isn't even close to full fledged) down on paper so there aren't any glitches with licensing along the way. My professor made it sound like just changing to a new, married name is a pita..what more of this?

So... That means transitioning in school, which means coming out to my professors and eventually my classmates and my MOM - so far, the only person who knows is a good friend but doesn't really seem to give a crap, so no backup there. Ive been hiding this for my entire life...but I don't want start my life, my own life, my career, still lying, you know? Nursing isn't just a job to me. It's something I dedicate my whole being to. Its the reason I get up in the morning. I can't give 100% if I'm coming in with a fake identity. That's how I feel, anyway.

Typically I'm one to sit for a while and think things through very rationally. But as graduating quickly approaches, I'm starting to feel more and more pressured. Maybe some people who need to have a state license for their fields can let me know that I'm just being paranoid. I don't know.

This is freakin' scary, guys. Thanks for being here.
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