I'm finally actually seriously thinking about all this gender stuff rather than just putting it out of my mind in hopes that I'll suddenly find myself feeling certain about it one way or the other for whatever reason. I've been kind of wondering for a while now (on and off for about 2 years or a little less, and then more seriously within the last six months) whether it's something cisgendered people do, to find oneself thinking of oneself as being the opposite sex all of a sudden. Until pretty recently, my gender's been kind of unimportant to me. If no one was stopping me from doing what I wanted with regards to things that generally correspond with gender or making me feel uncomfortable for not conforming to gender roles, I didn't really care what people called me or considered me. But now I actively want to know how to think of myself. I don't know if I'll start asking people to use third-gender pronouns or otherwise come out to people, but I would like to be more comfortable with myself gender-wise than I am right now.
I'm not really sure as to what term, exactly fits me. Some days I think I must be making it all up, either to be different or because I think I would make a crappy cisgirl, what with being physically deformed in appearance and being pretty unfeminine in some crucial respects. Part of me also treats every thing that might be seen as feminine that I do or think as evidence that I'm making this all up... even thought that really doesn't negate being androgynous when I think about it logically. But then I find myself in "guy mode" all of a sudden... including at times where it would be reasonable for me to be in "girl mode." (See: That awkward moment when you're buying a vibrator and you realize that you're thinking of yourself as a guy while talking to the sex store clerk... true story). I'd consider myself genderfluid, except for the facts that 1) the switches happen pretty frequently - it's more like by hour or interaction or activity than over periods of days or weeks, and 2) my range of variation between genders is pretty small - "guy mode" isn't necessarily all that masculine, and "girl mode" isn't particularly feminine. Androgyne feels most comfortable right now, since it seems to me to indicate small to moderate amounts of both masculine and feminine behavior and identification, which is accurate for me even if it's rather fleeting in both directions.
I'm pretty much terrified of the medical aspects of transitioning, both the surgery part and the injections part. I'm also fine with and prefer having female plumbing (minus the whole bleeding thing). However, I've always wanted to be flat-chested. From what I've heard, my body dysphoria's on the low end of things, but I still find myself going "WHY DO I NEED THESE, IT'D BE SO MUCH COOLER IF THEY WEREN'T THERE." I might be able to work myself up to pursue top surgery one day, but in the mean time I'm trying to justify spending money on a binder. If you all have any recommendations, both for price and for comfort, that would be helpful.
I'm still contemplating how to come out to, in probably this order, my therapist, my friends, and my parents. There's separate concerns there with all of them, most of them completely irrational and on the low end of bad responses a person can get. I worry that my therapist will think that I identify as too many weird things and that I'm making some or all of them up. I worry that my friends, especially my IRL trans* friends, will think I'm jumping on a bandwagon or something. I worry that my parents will also think I'm just trying to be different. This last one is probably the most rational of them, given that they took a while to accept my asexuality on the same basis, and my dad's made some obnoxious transphobic remarks about someone I know. On the one hand, I'm not very good at hiding things from people in my life, while on the other, it doesn't cause me immense distress for people to see me as female, so I'm not sure if coming out would actually make things worse. Also, I don't know whether, if I started to use third gender pronouns, they all have different connotations or not, or if it's just a matter of preference - any clarification on that would be helpful.
Thanks for reading this, and for any comments, and sorry if it's all over the place - it was either write it all out like this and see where it went, and I end up feeling like my lists don't quite convey everything as thoroughly as possible.