I have a very feminine figure, C cup breasts, thin waist and a soft facial structure. Yet I feel completely neutral when it comes to gender. My body doesn't match how I feel psychologically. No matter how hard I try to appear more androgynous, people always call me ma'am and miss. It is quite frustrating and usually ends in a long explanation, misunderstandings, laughing, or complete disregard and discrimination for opposing the traditional stereotypes...but I digress. I see myself as a near perfect balance of masculinity and femininity, or sometimes having no gender all together.
I want to change my name to something masculine to counter-balance my feminine body-structure. Ideally I would prefer my body to be intersexual, at times I feel like my breasts are unnecessary (other times I love them), at other times I feel like I have a penis (I believe the term is phantom, right? But if I had a penis, I would still love my vagina. Just not the bleeding), yet other times, I would prefer having no breasts, no penis, no vagina. Oh gods, you see my issue? I don't think hormones or surgery is something that I would do though, I'm way too hypochondriac for that, with all the negative side-effects the hormone may cause, I'd be a basket case just worrying about it. Not trusting doctors is another part of my problem. But I'm trying to find ways of working around that. Any suggestions are welcome though.
I believe changing my name to something more masculine would then counter-balance my physical body. The name I was pondering about was Vladimir. I've spoken with a few of my friends, siblings, my girlfriend, my mother and they all have very different ideas. That's a good thing, don't get me wrong, just a very confusing thing, like critiquing an artist halfway through their painting.
I guess, all in all, as much as I want to change and feel like me both on the inside and outside, change is a scary thing. And if I ever got over my phobias and anxieties, perhaps I would go through with a transition. But at the moment, I feel a name alteration would be sufficient, make people question what gender means when I introduce myself, and provide enough of a change for me to feel progress in the direction (there's a direction, but perhaps not a destination yet) I feel is right.
Yet why am I so nervous? Have any of you went through something similar? Any advice you wish to share? Comments are welcome too.