Some honest words

Originally posted by zaza_napoli at Some honest words
OK bitches, I feel like there is so much I want to say right now and it’s just going to all fall out, hopefully in some kind of organized way  I have taken to using the word "bitches" affectionately in case you’re wondering.

OK so the first thing that I must say, is that I cannot help feeling that most of the people who have given their gender the tiniest amount of thought seem to be ri.di.culously young and cool. Kind of alienating for people like me who still get so much inspiration from “Some Like it Hot” and “La Cage aux Folles” (the original films), which I am totally mad about. (what was your first clue lol)

I feel like people who think about their gender have too much time on their hands, hey I do too. Not trying to criticize “other people”. I am as guilty as anyone else of over-thinking my whole childhood and adolescence and looking for “clues”. And sometimes I think so deeply into my essence that I may not have a gender at all, I mean what is our gender when we are asleep? It’s one of those things, the harder you think the more it fades. You only see it clearly when you’re NOT concentrating on it.

Well anyway, now that I have found my own personal gender identity, I feel like I should just get on with my life. We can’t force anyone else to see us as we see ourselves unfortunately.
I am thinking maybe my gender identity “thing” is connected with female Asperger’s Syndrome which is completely different from male Asperger’s so don’t expect me to recite PI to 100 decimal places. I have read up about Asperger’s in women and so much seems to fit like a glove. Although nobody will believe that I have Asperger’s because I am so high-functioning. But look at the length of this rant about my gender!

I believe Asperger’s has made me feel like I have had to LEARN how to be “a girl” in a similar way to a drag queen. That is by far the neatest explanation I have found so far. And yet I have always, always known that I WANTED to be a girl (preferably a princess actually). In 2015 when I could be anything I want, even a genderless blob, even a trans guy, a neutrois anything – I WANT to be a girl. But I still don't feel like one in my core.

I embrace “drag queen” as my gender identity, not my profession. My life is really my performance, although any excuse to dress up is most welcome :) I personally do not feel that biological females can be “drag queens” although some try. For the simple reason that it is not drag. It’s a woman dressing extravagantly and putting on lots of make-up. That is fun, but it’s not drag unfortunately! A biological male drag queen can stand there in fish drag and lip sync. He doesn’t need to do anything wacky or original to be a drag queen, just the fact of being dressed in female clothing is enough. And there’s the difference.

Sometimes I feel that I am quite literally mentally a gay man, specifically an effeminate one. I have my masculine side too which leads people to see me as not so feminine. Because as I am female-bodied, I don’t always speak and act the way I am expected to. I have my more macho moments. I am not feminine I am effeminate. There is a subtle difference that I cannot explain. I really can’t. You’d have to meet me.

Not being seen as a queen /drag queen is something that I can deal with, because ultimately all I can do is BE. If I really am true to myself, then everyone will see the real me even if they don’t quite “get” my gender.

But what I can’t stand is being seen as what I am NOT. For one, I am not a lesbian, I happen to be biromantic and also bisexual enough to want to try it (which I have) but sexually speaking I know what I like, and it’s men. Thanks.

Also I am not a fag hag. I am a fag. I have had some female friends who were kind of like my fag hag, it was that kind of dynamic. Because I feel different somehow, in a way that I just cannot explain. When I am with a group of guys, I feel like I don’t fit in, but when I am with a group of girls I feel different too. But I feel like I get on better with girls. By the way, fag hag is not an insult in itself, I just find it is synonymous sometimes with a supremely irritating woman who thinks that she is ever so glamorous because she is friends with some gays *yawn*. And also being a complete bitch is not a gender. It is not a pre-requisite of any gender or sexuality to be unpleasant and judgemental and “throw shade” around whenever you get the chance. Grow up.

Also I do not have a fetish. Sometimes I feel like my fascination with drag queens and transsexual women could potentially be seen as offensive in the sense that people like to be seen as human beings and not objects of fascination. Also it must be said that I do not believe a drag queen and a transsexual woman is the same thing, of course not. The only thing that I see in common is the biological maleness and feminine appearance. Just before everyone hates me. I guarantee that most TG women probably don't know what I am talking about since they feel like women, and I don't :)

I sometimes feel more like a drag queen because I feel like fundamentally inside, I am quite masculine. I just don’t wish to LOOK masculine. I guess I am fascinated by what I physically can never be. I do not think that I am transsexual because it seems rather absurd to take lots of T just so that you can appear more like a drag queen and that is not something I would ever do. But sometimes I do wish that I already had a male body so that I could then become a woman rather than just being one to begin with. I think that if I had a male body I would not be particularly dysphoric, I am not sure. It’s a question I ask myself. I think my ideal body would be taller, male shaped and sized but with little body hair, and definitely.not.bald. If I took T, I would be a very, very short bald guy – which quite frankly I would not be very thrilled about. In fact there is NO WAY. Sorry. I am not that dysphoric as to do that to myself. In fact I am not sure I suffer too much from body dysphoria. I would be happy to be either, and I think I am MUCH better off in a female body.

Also, I am not just jumping on some kind of gender bandwagon to be one of the cool kids. Far from it – I have never in my life been a cool kid and never will be one. I am not a particularly alternative person, I am not loud or gregarious or extrovert, I am not just a femme or someone who wants to draw attention to themselves. It is really sad that every loud-mouthed bitch who happens to like glamorous clothes and make-up thinks that she is a “gay man trapped in a womans’ body”. Whatever. Have you ever looked in the mirror and seen that the more make-up you put on the more you look like a man? The sexier you try and look, the more you look like a man? Have you ever cried with sheer confusion? No well don’t talk to me bitch. Thanks.

Perhaps one of the reasons that I actually revel in femininity is that it actually makes me feel MORE masculine in a funny kind of way. Whereas if I try to look like a boy, I just end up looking like a lesbian and that is not what I want because why would I want people to think I am the exact opposite of what I am. I am not a gay woman, I am a gay man duh. I do not really like or get on with lesbians tbh. Sorry.

That was really honest. I really hope that nobody hates me as a result.
i hope something eats you

recently discovered androgyne

Hello everyone.
I've been confused about my sexual orientation for about a year, (I'm about to turn 17, bio female) and I thought that was the issue. Soon after I started searching for an answer to my sexuality, I also realized that I was utterly confused about my gender. I don't think I realized before then because it was never an issue. I've been homeschooled my whole life and I never thought about it. After a year of searching for an answer and doing extensive research on the topics of transgenderism and all that is entailed with it, I discovered some passages about a third sex. So I started researching that and found androgynes. As I started to read more and more I finally got that moment where things just clicked into place and I realized that I was androgyne. Because when I was first trying to figure out my sexuality, I would think about being a lesbian, or being straight, or bi, and none of that seemed... right. But now I know that as androgyne, those terms don't have much meaning to me because those terms have to be used compared to something else. And since I don't identify as female, if I like females, that doesn't make me a lesbian at all.

I've cross-dressed before and I found it felt amazing when people actually thought I was a guy, and called me "he". But on a normal day-to-day basis, I don't think I'm androgynous enough to pass. I'm very short, 5'2", and I have long hair. I do enjoy my long hair, but I wish that I could be seen as a male with long hair if I so choose. So far that hasn't worked out. Often I wear guy's clothing, and I like it, but sometimes (a lot of times) my mom has issues with it because she thinks I look sloppy. I haven't as of yet come out to her or any of my family as androgyne. I've only come out to a few friends, and they have accepted it reletively well, but I'm not sure they understand it. I have one friend who I've had a number of conversations with about it, and I do think she gets it as she feels androgynous at times.

I've also come to the conclusion that I'm pansexual, because that fits in the best with this new identity, I believe. I have to experiment a bit more with that.

I've dual enrolled at my local college all of last year, and I'm going back again in a couple days. I was thinking about using a male name informally with my classmates to test it out. I would like to use the name Tristan and see how people percieve it. I know it's not the most masculine name, but I feel it is more androgyne than my current female name.

If anybody has any advice for me it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much! I'm so glad to have found this community. I would love to talk to any of you about anything.
Thanks again. :)
  • Current Mood
    hopeful hopeful

name changing

I recently decided I want to change my name. 

I have a very feminine figure, C cup breasts, thin waist and a soft facial structure. Yet I feel completely neutral when it comes to gender. My body doesn't match how I feel psychologically. No matter how hard I try to appear more androgynous, people always call me ma'am and miss. It is quite frustrating and usually ends in a long explanation, misunderstandings, laughing, or complete disregard and discrimination for opposing the traditional stereotypes...but I digress. I see myself as a near perfect balance of masculinity and femininity, or sometimes having no gender all together. 

I want to change my name to something masculine to counter-balance my feminine body-structure. Ideally I would prefer my body to be intersexual, at times I feel like my breasts are unnecessary (other times I love them), at other times I feel like I have a penis (I believe the term is phantom, right? But if I had a penis, I would still love my vagina. Just not the bleeding), yet other times, I would prefer having no breasts, no penis, no vagina. Oh gods, you see my issue? I don't think hormones or surgery is something that I would do though, I'm way too hypochondriac for that, with all the negative side-effects the hormone may cause, I'd be a basket case just worrying about it. Not trusting doctors is another part of my problem. But I'm trying to find ways of working around that. Any suggestions are welcome though. 

I believe changing my name to something more masculine would then counter-balance my physical body.  The name I was pondering about was Vladimir. I've spoken with a few of my friends, siblings, my girlfriend, my mother and they all have very different ideas. That's a good thing, don't get me wrong, just a very confusing thing, like critiquing an artist halfway through their painting. 

I guess, all in all, as much as I want to change and feel like me both on the inside and outside, change is a scary thing. And if I ever got over my phobias and anxieties, perhaps I would go through with a transition. But at the moment, I feel a name alteration would be sufficient, make people question what gender means when I introduce myself, and provide enough of a change for me to feel progress in the direction (there's a direction, but perhaps not a destination yet) I feel is right. 

Yet why am I so nervous? Have any of you went through something similar? Any advice you wish to share? Comments are welcome too.
Thankyou :) 
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative
woobie, i don't know how to deal with this, sad

Hey everybody

Hi.  Nice to meet you all.  Here's my introductory post thing.  Please excuse my total lack of filter here, and I hope this isn't TMI.

I'm finally actually seriously thinking about all this gender stuff rather than just putting it out of my mind in hopes that I'll suddenly find myself feeling certain about it one way or the other for whatever reason.  I've been kind of wondering for a while now (on and off for about 2 years or a little less, and then more seriously within the last six months) whether it's something cisgendered people do, to find oneself thinking of oneself as being the opposite sex all of a sudden.  Until pretty recently, my gender's been kind of unimportant to me.  If no one was stopping me from doing what I wanted with regards to things that generally correspond with gender or making me feel uncomfortable for not conforming to gender roles, I didn't really care what people called me or considered me.  But now I actively want to know how to think of myself.  I don't know if I'll start asking people to use third-gender pronouns or otherwise come out to people, but I would like to be more comfortable with myself gender-wise than I am right now.

I'm not really sure as to what term, exactly fits me.  Some days I think I must be making it all up, either to be different or because I think I would make a crappy cisgirl, what with being physically deformed in appearance and being pretty unfeminine in some crucial respects.  Part of me also treats every thing that might be seen as feminine that I do or think as evidence that I'm making this all up... even thought that really doesn't negate being androgynous when I think about it logically.  But then I find myself in "guy mode" all of a sudden... including at times where it would be reasonable for me to be in "girl mode."  (See: That awkward moment when you're buying a vibrator and you realize that you're thinking of yourself as a guy while talking to the sex store clerk... true story).  I'd consider myself genderfluid, except for the facts that 1) the switches happen pretty frequently - it's more like by hour or interaction or activity than over periods of days or weeks, and 2) my range of variation between genders is pretty small - "guy mode" isn't necessarily all that masculine, and "girl mode" isn't particularly feminine.  Androgyne feels most comfortable right now, since it seems to me to indicate small to moderate amounts of both masculine and feminine behavior and identification, which is accurate for me even if it's rather fleeting in both directions.

I'm pretty much terrified of the medical aspects of transitioning, both the surgery part and the injections part.  I'm also fine with and prefer having female plumbing (minus the whole bleeding thing).  However, I've always wanted to be flat-chested.  From what I've heard, my body dysphoria's on the low end of things, but I still find myself going "WHY DO I NEED THESE, IT'D BE SO MUCH COOLER IF THEY WEREN'T THERE."  I might be able to work myself up to pursue top surgery one day, but in the mean time I'm trying to justify spending money on a binder.  If you all have any recommendations, both for price and for comfort, that would be helpful.

I'm still contemplating how to come out to, in probably this order, my therapist, my friends, and my parents.  There's separate concerns there with all of them, most of them completely irrational and on the low end of bad responses a person can get.  I worry that my therapist will think that I identify as too many weird things and that I'm making some or all of them up.  I worry that my friends, especially my IRL trans* friends, will think I'm jumping on a bandwagon or something.  I worry that my parents will also think I'm just trying to be different.  This last one is probably the most rational of them, given that they took a while to accept my asexuality on the same basis, and my dad's made some obnoxious transphobic remarks about someone I know.  On the one hand, I'm not very good at hiding things from people in my life, while on the other, it doesn't cause me immense distress for people to see me as female, so I'm not sure if coming out would actually make things worse.  Also, I don't know whether, if I started to use third gender pronouns, they all have different connotations or not, or if it's just a matter of preference - any clarification on that would be helpful.

Thanks for reading this, and for any comments, and sorry if it's all over the place - it was either write it all out like this and see where it went, and I end up feeling like my lists don't quite convey everything as thoroughly as possible.
September 2010
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Announcing - Ambiguous Gender Presentation Resources and Information

Practical Androgyny is a new site devoted to the practicalities of ambiguous gender presentation within a binary gendered society.

The site aims to provide resources and information helpful for anyone who presents ambiguously or androgynously in any part of their life, for whatever reason. The focus is on day to day living rather than identity, as there are already plenty of fantastic sites and communities for discussing, exploring and expressing gender identity.

Right now the site's mainly a mission statement and a blog, but over time it should grow into a comprehensive set of resources covering the following topics:

  • Gendered Spaces
    • Changing Rooms
    • Employment
    • Formal Occasions
    • Public Toilets
    • Swimming Pools

  • Identity and Documentation
    • Campaigning for Change
    • Forms
    • Legal Gender and ID
    • Websites and Social Networks

  • Language and Pronouns
    • Gender Neutral Language
    • Names
    • Pronouns
    • Titles and Salutations

  • Physical Changes
    • Hair Gain
    • Hair Removal
    • Hormone Therapy
    • Surgery

  • Presentation
    • Binding and Tucking
    • Body Language
    • Clothing
    • Hair
    • Packing and Padding
    • Voice and Speech
Visit Practical Androgyny

Crossposted to androgynes , bigender , gender_fluid , genderoutlaws , genderqueer and transgender .


 Hey all!

I am a student at Parsons doing my senior thesis on gender issues and clothing. Would any of you be available to be interviewed on your feelings about clothing and gender?

The goal of my project is to get to know some people who are invested in gender issues and to make some clothing for them based on altering some of their existing clothes that they are unhappy with.

My email is and my phone is 216 210 4415. Thanks a lot for your help!


Doctor Trouble: A RANT.

I DO NOT know where doctors get off minimalizing the concerns of genderqueer people.

Today I went to a new doctor and he told me I'm "not transgendered" because his outdated definition of transgendered excludes people such as myself.

I am FTMasculine rather than strictly "FTM", but this has absolutely no bearing on the legitimacy of my body dysphoria -- and I know this. He apparently doesn't.

I would contend that I suffer MORE ACUTELY from the body dysphoria factor than many or most FTMs. I'd also contend that how far you want to move along the gender spectrum does not necessarily correspond to the level of discomfort and suffering you experience. Most people have a hard time understanding this, and it's a problem: even trans-friendly doctors do not understand people who fall outside of the binary, or how to treat them. They act like our problems are less serious than those of "real" transgendered people.

I'm also sick to hell of people (health providers and transgendered people alike) being suspicious of me because I have long hair. Excuse my french, but FUCK THAT.

Sorry guys, I'm just so frustrated I don't know what to do.
vampire bat

Introduction and conundrums

Love this place. Thank you guys for existing!

So, basically I'm female-bodied, but my entire identity runs very strongly toward a more male me. I want to be adrogynous, but with a male name, male pronouns, male chest, etc. Does that make sense? Luckily I'm very small chested, but binding is still a pain in the ass. I want to go on T to masculinize mself and get top surgery.

Right now I'm trying my damnedest and I'm still reading as female to everyone. Seriously. I'm very thin, petite, girlish face, so on and so forth. I do tend to confuse children and a few times people have called me 'that boy' or 'sir', only to look closer and backtrack furiously.

Heres my problem. I'm going to do this, no two ways around it.

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