An impossible thing (jitusk) wrote in androgynes,
An impossible thing


I'm having a lot of trouble with this recently: the matter of invisibility.

I personally identify as more of a boy than a girl, but more of a feminine boy and a masculine girl. It's all mixed up and 100% queer through and through.

However, I don't exactly achieve much androgyny physically, and androgyny is my chosen presentation. I can't say I exactly have some burning, dysphoric desire to be in a male body- it would have been nice, I think, but I can't go back and change it. But what gets me is the invisibility.

I'm tiny, thin, and very feminine. No matter how I alter my behaviour, attempt to speak differently, it's a rare day people will identify me as anything other than WOMAN. Sometimes I don't really give a damn. I think, it's not my fault these idiots assume female is synonymous with woman.

But at this point in time, I can't stand it.
I want to be seen as an androgynous boy! And this is the only thing that gets me to thinking about top surgery and low dose hormones. Not that I really want to try and convince some medical goon I really have intense body dysphoria and therefore maybe I can be deserving of any kind of treatment.

And then I read material on trans* and genderqueer issues and perspectives, and all I hear about is how people who are physically masculine women or feminine men and feel the same way struggle against discrimination. But what about those of us who identify that way mentally, and aren't fortunate enough to have the matching body?

I'm upset and feeling a little isolated, and at the moment I don't feel I have many places to vent. =/

Am I making sense? Or am I just unreasonably freaking out?
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